Two Gentlemen of Lebowski : A Most Excellent Comedie and Tragical Romance Paperback - 2010

Act 1



 



Scene 1



 



THE KNAVE’s house. Enter THE KNAVE, carrying parcels, and BLANCHE and WOO. They fight.



 



BLANCHE



Whither the money, Lebowski? Faith, we are as servants to Bonnie;



promised by the lady good that thou in turn were good for’t.



 



WOO



Bound in honour, we must have our bond; cursed be our tribe



if we forgive thee.



 



BLANCHE



Let us soak him in the chamber-pot, so as to turn his head.



 



WOO



Aye, and see what vapourises; then he will see what is foul.



 



They insert his head into the chamber-pot.



 



BLANCHE



What dreadful noise of waters in thine ears! Thou hast cool’d



thy head; think now upon drier matters.



 



WOO



Speak now on ducats else again we’ll thee duckest; whither the



money, Lebowski?



 



THE KNAVE



Faith, it awaits down there someplace; prithee let me glimpse



again.



 



WOO



What, thou rash egg! Thus will we drown thine exclamations.



 



They again insert his head into the chamber-pot.



 



BLANCHE



Trifle not with the fury of two desperate men. Long has thy



wife sealed a bond with Jaques Treehorn; as blood is to blood,



surely thou owest to Jaques Treehorn in recompense.



 



WOO



Rise, and speak wisely, man—but hark;



I see thy rug, as woven i’the Orient,



A treasure from abroad. I like it not.



I’ll stain it thus; to deadbeats ever thus.



 



He stains the rug.



 



THE KNAVE



Sir, prithee nay!



 



BLANCHE



Now thou seest what happens, Lebowski, when the agreements



of honourable business stand compromised. If thou wouldst



treat money as water, flowing as the gentle rain from heaven,



why, then thou knowest water begets water; it will be a watery



grave your rug, drown’d in the weeping brook. Pray remember,



Lebowski.



 



THE KNAVE



Thou err’st; no man calls me Lebowski. Hear rightly, man!—for



thou hast got the wrong man. I am the Knave, man; Knave in



nature as in name.



 



BLANCHE



Thy name is Lebowski. Thy wife is Bonnie.



 



THE KNAVE



Zounds, man. Look at these unworthiest hands; no gaudy gold



profanes my little hand. I have no honour to contain the ring. I



am a bachelor in a wilderness. Behold this place; are these the



towers where one may glimpse Geoffrey, the married man? Is



this a court where mistresses of common sense are hid? Not for



me to hang my bugle in an invisible baldric, sir; I am loath to



take a wife, or she to take me until men be made of some other



mettle than earth. Hark, the lid of my chamber-pot be lifted!



 



WOO



Search his satchel! His words are a fantastical banquet to work



pell-mell havoc and confusion upon his enemies. There sits



eight pounds of proof within.



 



BLANCHE



Villainy! Why this confounded orb, such as men use to play at



ninepins; what devilry, these holes in holy trinity?



 



THE KNAVE



Obviously thou art not a colfer.



 



BLANCHE



Then thou art a man to carry ball in his sack? Thou varlet, a



plague upon your house; I return thine orb to earth.



 



He drops the ball.



 



Thy floor cracks in haste, sir; thou art not a man of ample foundation.



Woo?



 



WOO



Speak, friend; I am but of droplets.



 



BLANCHE



Was this not a man of moneys and repute? Did not Treehorn



speak of chalcedony halls, and three chests of gold, as was hard



food for Midas? What think’st thou?



 



WOO



O undistinguish’d man! We are deceived; this man has put not



money in his purse.



 



THE KNAVE



Weep not for grief of my own sustaining, sir. At least I am



house-broken, none to break the houses of others.



 



WOO



If dog you are, in time you’ll have your day;



Waste time, but Jaques Treehorn will you pay.



 



Exeunt severally.



***  



13 rash egg: impolitically bold child or spawn. ‘Egg’ also calls to mind ‘zero’ (as in the French l’oeuf) and hints at the thugs’ unimpressed reaction to the Knave’s dwelling.



 



20 deadbeat: a person who evades the payment of, or defaults on, a debt



 



33 profanes: debases, defiles, corrupts



 



35 Geoffrey, the married man: Elizabethan mores viewed bachelorhood with suspicion. Men were expected to be married, and often had to be to accept public office or important civic responsibilities.



 



37 baldric: a belt or sash worn over the shoulder



 



39 lid of my chamber-pot: a lid is customarily placed upon the pot to contain odours. Leaving it off indicates the Knave’s incivility and lack of a wife.



 



43 confounded: perplexed. Blanche means ‘confounding,’ though that is not the issue here.



 



43 orb: sphere



 



44 ninepins: the sport of kings. Variants and alternate names include loggats, kayles, and skittles. Shakespeare frequently referred to the sport: in The Taming of the Shrew, it is a metaphor for Petruchio’s courtship of Katherine; in Coriolanus, Menenius compares his overcommitted loyalty to the title character to a poorly rolled frame; and, most famously, Hamlet’s line ‘Ay, there’s the rub’ refers to an obstacle deflecting a bowling ball from its course.



 



45 colfer: a player of ‘colf,’ the Dutch predecessor to the Scottish game of golf. In the sixteenth century, as the modern game filtered down from Scotland, its variants were enjoyed by commoners and royalty alike; Mary, Queen of Scots, was an avid golfer.



 



46 varlet: a rascal or disreputable character, from the Old French vaslet



 



50 of droplets: i.e., only has a little urine left. Possibly a reference to the use of the aspergillum to sprinkle holy water in religious ceremonies, as if Woo is blessing the rug.



 



52 chalcedony: a fine mineral, similar to quartz. Named for the Bithynian port town of Chalcedon.



 



57 house-broken: versed in sanitary excretory habits suitable for civilised living; in casual speech, meaning docile or peaceably mannered.



 



 



 

Adam Bertocci is a screen writer and filmmaker working in and around New York. His films have numerous awards and nominations at festivals across America with stops in England, Canada and Australia. He is a graduate of the film program at Northwestern University.