Clothing Optional: And Other Ways to Read These Stories Hardback - 2008 - 1st Edition

Summary

Excerpt

A husband gets into bed at night. His wife speaks first.

–You okay?
–Not really.
–Want to talk about it?
–Not really.
–Honey, what’s wrong?
–Can’t say.
–Why?
–It’s too weird.
–What’s too weird?
–I’d rather not say.
–Now you’re scaring me.
–Why?
–Because we’ve been married a long time and I’ve never seen you this color before.
–Can’t help it.
–Why?
–Can’t say.
–Please tell me.
–Fine.
– ...Well?
–I saw your mother’s ass.
–What are you saying?
–That I saw your seventy-seven-year-old mother’s seventy-seven-year-old ass.
–How?
–I was on my way to the bathroom, a door was open, and there it was in all its horrifying glory.
–God, she must’ve been embarrassed.
–No.
–No?
–No.
–Why not?
–Because she didn’t see me.
–How’s it possible that you walk in on someone in the bathroom and they don’t see you?
–Because she wasn’t in the bathroom.
–But you just said . . .
–I said that I was on my way to the bathroom.
–Oh...
–And I passed the gym, innocently looked in, and saw your mother on my stationary bike.
–Naked?
–Like a seventy-seven-year-old jaybird.
–From behind?
–Yes. That’s where her ass is. In the back.
–Wow.
–Yeah. Wow.
–I think you’ll get over it.
–I’m not so sure about that. In fact, I’m wondering how I can ever look at her again. In fact, I’m wondering if you and I should separate and get back together after she dies.
–You wouldn’t be overreacting, would you?
–Trust me, any normal man would be mortified.
–Come on, you’ve seen her in a bathing suit. I’m sure there were no surprises.
–Not so.
–What do you mean, “not so”?
–I can’t talk about it.
–What can’t you talk about?
–I can’t tell you. Now let me go to sleep, okay?
–Fine.
–Good night.
–Good night.

He turns off the light for about six seconds, then turns on the light and speaks.

–Did you know your mother has a tattoo?
–She does?
–Yep.
–Where?
–On her ass.
–She does not.
–I’m telling you . . .
–Oh, please . . .
–If you don’t believe me, go downstairs and see for yourself.
–No, thanks.
–You’re right–I should be the only one in this bed who’s scarred for life.
–She really does?
–Why would I make this up? Why would I possibly want this conversation to go any longer than it already has?
–May I ask what it’s a tattoo of?
–You sure you want to know?
–No. But tell me anyway.
–Ready?
–Yeah.
–Hitler.
–Hitler?
–Yep.
–My seventy-seven-year-old mother has a tattoo of Adolf Hitler on her ass?
–That’s right. And I must say that the führer looks less than thrilled to be there.
–Hard to blame him . . .
–Yeah, I feel bad for Hitler, too.
–And you’re sure that you’re not making this up?
–I’m not. ..
–Or mistook, let’s say, a mole, for Hitler?
–A mole for Hitler? No. And I didn’t mistake cellulite for Goebbels, either. This is a tattoo and it’s Hitler, and if you don’t believe me, go down and take a look for yourself.
–I think I will.
–Fine.

She gets out of bed, leaves the bedroom, and returns about a minute later.

–You’re right. It’s Hitler.
–Told you.
–Yes, but what you didn’t tell me was that every time my mother pedals, Hitler’s arm comes up in one of those Third Reich salutes.
–I thought I’d spare you.
–Thanks.
–So, what do we do now?
–What do you mean?
–Well, we’ve solved the mystery of who the tattoo is. Aren’t you at all curious as to why it’s there? As to why your seventy-seven-year-old Jewish mother, who’s been a registered Democrat since Truman was president, has a picture of the man who thought of the Final Solution on her butt?
–Yeah . ..
–Did she ever date Hitler?
–What?
–You know, they were young, impulsive, had too much to drink one night, took a cab downtown and got tattoos of each other before she realized he wasn’t such a great guy.
–That’s the scariest thing I’ve ever heard.
–How so?
–Because according to that scenario, Hitler, who was arguably the worst human being who ever lived, had a tattoo of my mother on his butt.
–Well . ..
–You’re saying that in all those newsreels when he was giving those speeches and goose-stepping in those parades and invading Poland he may have had a picture of my mother on his ass.
–Anything’s possible.
–Jesus, could we please end this conversation?
–I’d love to.
–Fine. Good night.
–Good night, honey.

They turn off their lights. About a minute later, he speaks.

–I can’t sleep.
–Neither can I.
–I keep thinking about your mother’s ass.
–I keep thinking about Hitler’s ass.
–And I keep thinking I’ll need a new seat for my stationary bike.

Media reviews

Publishers Weekly (starred review)
Saturday Night Live writing alum and Thurber Prize winner Zweibel (The Other Shulman) returns with a collection of essays, short stories and ephemera that should solidify his place among American satirists. The books starts off strong with “Letters From an Annoying Man,” a fictional tete-a-tete between Zweibel and a misguided fan that quickly escalates (with shades of Curb Your Enthusiasm, another show Zweibel has written for); the title essay, detailing Zweibel’s trip to a nudist resort; and “Herb Sargent,” a meditation on the mercurial qualities of friendship. At its best, Zweibel’s work has depth and a respect for his subjects commiserate with his self-deprecating sense of humor; instead of laughing at nudists, readers laugh at Zweibel as he struggles with an erection in the swimming pool, or suffers the indignity of being beaten in the New York City Marathon by a runner dressed as a polar bear, or the litany of abuse he endures as a Little League commissioner. Though some pieces run long (“Comic Dialogue,” “Happy”), comedy fans will appreciate Zweibel’s range, as well as his ability to convey tender moments. Many humor books are consumed and forgotten; this is one to read and revisit.

Praise for CLOTHING OPTIONAL

"Humor writer, author, playwright. But enough about me. Alan Zweibel's book made me laugh out loud!"
--Steve Martin

"If you're only going to read one book this year, well, you're a moron and this is definitely not the book for you. If, however, you're depressed, agitated, bitter, horny, bi-polar, a layabout, or a pathological liar, then, like me, you have much in common with the depraved soul who wrote these stories and owe it to yourself and whatever loved ones you probably don't have, to read it."  
--Larry David

"Alan Zweibel is the funniest writer in the world. He might be even funnier when he's naked, but I'm afraid to find out."    
 --Dave Barry

"I've known Alan Zweibel since 1975, and I've always had this sneaking suspicion that he might possess a sense of humor.  After reading CLOTHING OPTIONAL, I'm almost sure he does."      
--Rob Reiner

"So funny, so smart.  I can't wait to re-read Alan's book with the TV off."
--Martin Short

"Read Alan Zweibel and you'll be reminded of the likes of Robert Benchley and S.J. Perelman. You can't help but be moved by his warmth and insight even as you laugh your ass off."
--David Steinberg

"Reading Alan Zweibel makes me laugh out loud.   And yet it is not a particularly funny name."
--Eric Idle

 
"This new work by my lifelong pal proves two things. One, he deserves his iconic status  as a humorist and two, he needs hospitalization.”
--Richard Lewis

"This book made me sick - that l didn't write it."
--Larry Gelbart

"That Alan Zweibel is deeply funny is a given.  The thing that I really love about this collection is Alan's humanity.  Read it.  It's wise, hilarious and original."
--Susie Essman
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Praise for Alan Zweibel’s The Other Shulman

“Entertaining, funny . . . winning deadpan humor . . . [Zweibel] writes with a jaundiced satirical eye.”
–Los Angeles Times Book Review

“A style that successfully blends the woebegone humor of Woody Allen with the whiplash sarcasm of Jerry Seinfeld.”
–Booklist

“[Zweibel has] a deft humorous touch.”
–The New York Times Book Review

“An amazing comic novel that is every bit as novel as it is comic.”
–Larry David, creator of Curb Your Enthusiasm

“Wonderfully inventive . . . hilarious, emotional, and powerful.”
–Billy Crystal